Parenting in the modern era can be both a beautiful and daunting experience! While the raising of a child brings joy and deep connection, it can also be fraught with challenges. Neuroscience tells us that the way we respond to our children’s needs – whether through nurturing touch, consistent emotional support or by providing safe spaces for emotional expression – directly influences a child’s brain development, including the development of key neural pathways involved in emotional regulation and self-soothing.
Responding to those needs, however, can be a direct reflection of our own childhood. For those navigating the effects of generational trauma, it’s essential to understand how patterns impact parenting approaches and – as a result – the well-being of our children. But building more compassionate relationships with our children begins when we unpack how our own childhood experiences, trauma cycles, attachment and brain development shape our emotional regulation and behaviour.
Your healing journey might even begin at the cellular level. Take, for example, when fetal cells enter the mother’s bloodstream during pregnancy and stay for decades. These cells integrate into tissues like the heart, brain and skin, creating a lasting bond between mother and child that goes beyond birth and continues into adulthood. The profound bonds between generations are deep and informed, and that also means you have the power to change the way your next generation experiences the world as a direct result of your parenting approach.
Let’s break it down.
Early years
Attachment theory, popularised by British psychiatrist John Bowlby and expanded by others such as Dr. Dan Siegel, offers a framework to understand how early relationships influence the brain and long-term emotional health. Secure attachment – which is created through consistent, responsive parenting – helps children learn that they are safe, seen, and worthy of love, and fosters their ability to manage and express emotions as they grow.
The four Ss of a child’s attachment needs are conceptually simple: feeling safe, seen, soothed and secure. These factors are critical. When parents show up for their children with understanding, they are literally shaping their child’s developing brain.
Developmental stages
Each stage of a child’s life, as examined by psychoanalyst Erik Erikson, represents a fundamental psychological conflict that contributes to their growth. Within the first year of life, babies learn whether or not they can trust their caregivers to meet their needs, forming the foundation for secure attachment. From ages two to three, toddlers might seek to assert their independence; if parents are too controlling or dismiss their child’s needs for autonomy, they may feel shame or doubt their abilities.
In the formative years from three to five, young children begin to assert their will and initiative. Encouraging exploration and providing safe boundaries promotes confidence, while excessive control can lead to guilt or inhibition. During their school-age years, children develop a sense of competence. When supported, they build skills and resilience; if undermined, they may feel inferior.
These stages are neurobiological; each one shapes how a child’s brain processes the world and responds to stress, connection and conflict. Understanding these stages will help you to parent in a way that aligns with your child’s developmental needs and foster healthier emotional development.
Healing your own wounds
We have the power to break cycles of trauma, not only for our children but also for our ‘inner children’. Healing starts with self-awareness. Understanding how your past may influence your parenting will help you make a conscious effort to create a new, more nurturing environment for your own children.
The most healing thing we can do as parents is to show up with love and empathy – for our children and ourselves. Understanding that we are worthy of love and care can break the chain of generational trauma and create a ripple effect of healing that your children will see, hear and feel.
A two-year-old child, for example, needs to be allowed to be a two-year-old child: imperfect, emotional and given grace while they navigate the world. When children are punished or shamed for behaving befitting their developmental stage, they miss out on the emotional scaffolding needed to develop emotional regulation.
If your emotional needs weren’t fully met in childhood – whether due to neglect, harsh discipline, abuse or inconsistent care – this could affect how you relate to your own children. Those early experiences form an emotional template and your instincts may cause you to express reactions based on these old patterns. Strong feelings, however, are often rooted in past trauma: you might have grown up with a parent who couldn’t contain their emotions and, as a result, it can feel difficult for you to do so now.
But there is power in this knowledge, because healing is always possible. Through conscious therapy, we can reshape how we respond in the present.
Building new behaviours
When we offer connection during meltdowns, encourage our child’s healthy emotional expression and foster their sense of self-worth, we provide them with the foundation for emotional regulation and resilience. Parenting is not about being perfect; it’s about being consistent, empathetic, and understanding. The impact of this is huge.
This is an invitation to approach your child’s developmental journey with curiosity. By responding with empathy, we offer them the space to grow emotionally and lay the groundwork for healthier, more resilient generations. By showing up with understanding and compassion, we will grow alongside our children.
Keep in mind
- Allow emotional expression. Support your child to express their emotions – anger, frustration, sadness – without punishment or fear of retribution. Remind them that their feelings are normal and manageable.
- Offer empathy and connection. When your child is struggling, connect emotionally. Hold them, listen to them and validate their feelings. This helps you learn what their feelings are, and helped them build resilience and a sense of worth for having been accurately mirrored.
- Focus on the process. Encourage your child’s efforts and learning rather than focusing on perfection or outcomes. This builds a growth mindset and helps children feel competent and valued.
- Set realistic expectations. Understand that children are always developing. They will not act like adults, nor should they. Let them learn and discover at their own pace, and be prepared to offer guidance and steady patience.
- Teach self-regulation through modelling. Demonstrate how to manage your own emotions, frustrations and challenges calmly. Children learn best by watching you.
- Foster secure attachment. Ensure your child feels safe, seen, soothed and secure through consistent emotional support and responsive caregiving.
These blogs are intended as an educational resource, not medical advice, and do not replace the care and nuance of individual therapy. For more information or to begin your own healing journey, book in for a complimentary 15-minute call with Meeray.
image credits | jeffrey simmons | tony luciani | alexander sedachov | unknown illustration | rene wiley