There is a gift we can give ourselves as we begin to understand how the nervous system is always working to protect us.
And that’s working with our ‘survival physiology.’
While learning to move through our “states” takes skill and practice – over time it can build confidence and reduces anxiety about moving towards discomfort in our bodies – and the gift of that is it’s less threatening to feel what we feel.
In turn, it builds compassion, capacity and resilience
As we process frozen pain, and metabolise long-held patterns, it reduces the relational fallout that so often plays out with those closest to us. What is held in our bodies, left unacknowledged, often doesn’t disappear or dissolve without being digested. It shows up in our tone, expression, posture, our reactions, our distance, our clenching. It becomes part of the air we share. This is especially true in close relationships, where unconscious (encoded) patterns often echo across generations.
For those who long to shift cycles of dysfunction – this understanding is an important part of the healing process before starting to somatically integrate and explore. The cognitive understanding first, starts to build the scaffolding needed, along with the safety of the therapeutic container to enter the “feeling world” safely and accurately meet what’s there.
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Mapping the Ladder: A Framework for Understanding
An Invitation to Explore the Nervous System Ladder: Take a moment to look over the ladder and notice if you recognise where you might move between these different states? How do you know? What are the sensations and thoughts you typically experience? This becomes your personal nervous system map. E.g. In this state, “I am…..” “The world is…..” The more specific the better!
I just love this ladder, because it illustrates so well, the inherent intelligence of a system that helped you adapt and therefore survive the environments that you were in.
We can offer gratitude for this.
And at the same time, we can begin to understand how to move through the ladder with more ease and recognise where we are on the ladder at any given time and contextualise our process with this in mind, it also helps us recognise where our loved ones may be in the ladder and how to support them to come back from the brink of fight, flight, fawn, and freeze and into Ventral Vagal. A place where there is choice, mutual safety and a lack of judgement. Sometimes this process is messy – so it’s good to remember there is real intelligence behind the nervous system.
Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, and applied beautifully by teachers like Deb Dana LCSW, offers a framework to help us map and understand our autonomic nervous system. It describes three primary states:
- At the top is the ventral vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system – the place of safety, connection, and restoration. Here, you feel calm, healthy, and able to grow.
- Next is the sympathetic nervous system, which activates mobilisation and action. This state helps protect you by preparing you to respond to threats.
- At the bottom is the dorsal vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system, which causes immobilisation. This shutdown state protects by disconnecting or “disappearing” – often experienced as dissociation.
These states form a “ladder” of regulation. We move up and down it in response to our internal and external environments – moment by moment, day by day.
In ventral vagal, we feel grounded, curious, connected. From here, we can co-regulate with others, stay present in conflict, and feel safe enough to play, rest, or set boundaries. In sympathetic states, we might feel anxious, angry, or on edge. And in dorsal vagal states, we tend to shut down, withdraw, or go numb.
All the states along the ladder are intelligent responses designed to keep us alive. But when we’re stuck in the lower rungs, or find ourselves flipping between them without a sense of agency, our capacity to relate and be present really suffers.
“If you want to improve the world,
start by making people feel safer.”
— Stephen Porges
Understanding Functional Freeze: A Blended Nervous System State
Functional freeze is a subtle but profound state where the nervous system becomes stuck in immobilisation despite ongoing stress or pressure. It’s a blending of activation and shutdown, where the body feels frozen, numb, yet still holding tension beneath the surface. Often, this state develops as a survival adaptation early in life when overwhelming experiences leave us unable to fully respond or escape. Over time, functional freeze can become our “default” way of being, quietly limiting our capacity to engage deeply with ourselves and others.
In this state, people often feel exhausted yet wired, disconnected yet restless — like having one foot on the brake and the other on the accelerator. It’s a form of dissociation that keeps difficult feelings and sensations locked away, making healing feel out of reach. Yet, through gentle, consistent somatic awareness and compassionate presence, we can start to reconnect with these hidden parts of ourselves, allowing the nervous system to gradually release and restore balance. Healing functional freeze is a journey of rediscovering safety, both within our own bodies and in our relationships.
Over-Coupling & Under-Coupling
To understand why we land in these states, it helps to explore coupling – a concept from Dr. Peter Levine in Somatic Experiencing. Our nervous system doesn’t just react to the present; it also carries associations from past distressing events. This is why the body can remember what the mind forgets. All designed to protect us from “similar” pain. Over time, it learns to link certain cues with danger and to disconnect from cues that should bring safety. And the good news is, it can be healed.
This is where overcoupling and undercoupling come in.
Overcoupling happens when neutral stimuli become linked with danger. For example, if your body once connected a certain time of day, sound, smell, or tone of voice with trauma, you might feel anxiety or anger when encountering it—without knowing why. These reactions belong to the sympathetic branch of the nervous system.
In a short clip, Peter Levine shares a vivid example about the sound of footsteps. He describes the cascade of sensations that follows, and—importantly—how to work with them to return to safety.
Other examples of overcoupling include beliefs such as:
- “I must work to the point of exhaustion to earn love or success.”
- “Closeness in relationships leads to overwhelm or loss of autonomy.”
- “Having needs inevitably leads to disappointment or rejection.”
These reactions often feel strong and unquestionable in the body—a sign they are tied to survival adaptations seeking resolution.
Undercoupling, in contrast, involves a shutdown response: numbness, dissociation, or a lack of emotion when faced with overwhelming experiences. In this state, the nervous system protects you by cutting off from the information entirely.
Where closeness would normally bring safety and comfort, it instead triggers withdrawal down the “ladder” of the nervous system—ending in shutdown (dorsal vagal). Asking for help might not bring relief or connection. Intimacy might not feel like co-regulation but instead danger and threat.
A common sign of undercoupling is discomfort with the felt sense—when approaching bodily sensations tied to emotions feels too big or overwhelming. In those moments, the safest option may have been to retreat into the intellect and out of the body.
Adaptive Strategies: The Ways We Cope
When our bodies are in distress, we develop strategies to manage that overwhelm. These adaptive strategies are often unconscious and protective. They include:
- Overworking or perfectionism
- Overanalysing or ruminating
- Bingeing or restricting food
- Numbing through social media, substances, or entertainment
- Controlling behaviours or emotional withdrawal
These strategies are not signs of failure. They were born from intelligence and have helped us survive. But they can also limit intimacy, self-expression, and authenticity—especially in our closest relationships.
Bringing awareness to our adaptations allows us to meet ourselves with kindness, rather than shame. As we notice them arising, we can pause and ask: What is my body needing right now?
The Body as the Site of Intergenerational Repair
Many of us carry relational patterns that didn’t start with us. Hypervigilance, emotional shutdown, people-pleasing, or mistrust can all be part of an inherited nervous system legacy. When we pause to track our bodies, listen to our impulses, and honour what’s arising without judgment, we begin to disrupt these patterns—not just for ourselves, but for those we love.
As Dr Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing, teaches: “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”
Learning to be that witness—to ourselves and to each other—is how relational healing begins.
Relational Healing Is Nervous System Healing
Healing the nervous system isn’t just about feeling less anxious, more productive, or finally being able to meditate. It’s about how we relate.
- Do we snap at our partners or withdraw in conflict?
- Do we struggle to say no, or collapse into shame when we do?
- Do we feel safe to be seen, or do we perform what we think others want?
These patterns don’t shift by logic alone. They change when we build safety in our bodies. And from that safety, our capacity for intimacy, boundary-setting, joy, and authenticity grows.
You adapted – and adaptations can evolve
Everything you do makes sense in the context of your history.
The goal isn’t to force yourself to feel better, it’s about getting better at feeling why and how things came to be the way they are.
It’s to understand the language of your nervous system and learn how to speak with it gently.
For highly sensitive people who want some help to work through how all these layers might be showing up in their lives, relationships and immune systems, who are ready to own their intergenerational patterns and begin healing the places where trauma has led them to feel stuck, I can help offer you attuned guidance.
Resources for Further Exploration:
Online Resources
- Trauma & Nervous System Healing
- Relationships & Attachment
Books:
- Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter Levine – This foundational book on Somatic Experiencing explores the body’s innate ability to heal from trauma, offering practical tools for processing and releasing stored stress.
- The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild – A comprehensive guide to understanding how trauma is stored in the body and how to release it through body-centred approaches.
- Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher – Fisher’s book delves into complex trauma and dissociation, offering strategies for working with parts of the self that remain frozen due to past trauma.
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – A landmark text on trauma, van der Kolk explains how trauma reshapes both the body and the brain, offering hope for healing through somatic and psychological approaches.
Films:
A Child of Rage (1990) – A documentary following a young girl with extreme behavioural issues due to abuse, highlighting the deep emotional scars that trauma can leave and the importance of early intervention. And the power to transform the trajectory of trauma.
The Work (2017) – A powerful documentary filmed inside a California prison, exploring the transformative effects of group therapy as inmates confront their personal trauma.
This work is gentle. Real. And sacred. It’s possible.
If you’re longing to reconnect with your body’s wisdom, make peace with how you adapted and find new, healthier patterns in your relationships, you’re warmly invited to explore one-on-one counselling, or keep an eye out for upcoming group offerings.
For more information or to begin your own healing process, book in for a complimentary 15-minute call with Meeray.
These blogs are intended as an educational resource, not medical advice, and do not replace the care and nuance of individual therapy